The Redditor, 29, explained he is a professor at a “nice private college” and he doesn’t come from a wealthy background like his fiancée, a 30-year-old woman.
The user has since deleted his account but the post that received 7,600 upvotes has stayed on the popular discussion site. Thousands of people have commented and the top comment alone has received over 23,000 upvotes.
Newsweek reached out to a relationship expert who explained they both felt “invalidated” after their discussion about her outfit.
Explaining his fiancée’s occupation, the user wrote: “[She] works as an executive at a big company and gets to work from home in leggings and crop tops. She is regularly stating she loves that about her job. That she can do dyed hair, tattoos, etc. and they don’t care. She also comes from generational wealth. She is also white [and] comes from plantation money.”
“I came from poverty and ’trailer trash’ and worked my way up to become a professor at a nice private college. I am Latinx. I love my job. I can wear dyed hair and tattoos and piercings too, but I dress professionally.”
More recently, the user spoke about a work event celebrating the fall quarter hosted at an art gallery. He was allowed to bring a plus one and mentioned the president of the college was there.
“I was nervous because as an out trans guy, I regularly face a lot of microaggressions in the workplace. Something my fiancé knows and makes jokes about me being the token diversity hire.
“My fiancé picked out two dresses the night before and asked me what I thought. I picked the one that was flattering, but not skin tight, nicer material, and hugged her body in more appropriate areas. She got upset. Cried because I don’t accept her as she is.”
The following day was the event and the original poster wore a suit and tie. He explained his partner opted to wear the tighter dress until they had an argument and she wore the one he requested.
As a result of this, the couple didn’t speak all night.
He wrote: “She looked beautiful but later she said I was controlling, that she felt rejected for who she is. I found out she told her friends who now think I’m a controlling toxic fiancé.”
‘We All Want to Be Heard and Seen’
Newsweek spoke to Juliette Karaman, a certified mind and body coach who specializes in relationships, intimacy, and trauma.
“Communication is key and the writer takes time to explain what was going on for him, the fear of being criticized, and the microaggression he has experienced because of his sexual orientation. He already points out that his partner jokes about this—This shows his apprehension in asking her to conform to a dress code.
“He knows that she likes to wear certain clothes and does not think they marry well with his work. When she asked his opinion on the 2 dresses, it is clear that she, like most women, already knows what she wants to wear but is still seeking approval.
“Yet both felt invalidated by this exchange. She asked for an opinion and then once she received that communication, and it was not delivered in the way she wanted to receive it, she pouted and felt unaccepted for who she is and how she wants to portray herself. He, on the other hand, feels like his opinion doesn’t matter and will be hesitant to comment again.
“This is why oftentimes when women ask their partner what they think of them in a certain outfit, they noncommittally answer: great. They have been taught not to criticize or even make a suggestion because of what the repercussions will be. And this is where withdrawal starts to happen and we start to armor ourselves so that comments or remarks won’t hurt, yet deep down we all want to be heard, seen, understood, and seen.”
Telling Your Partner What to Wear—Without an Argument
We can ask our partner to adhere to wearing a certain thing, according to Karaman. She has suggested a few other ways this partner could have addressed the dress situation:
“A better way to answer would have been, “You look fabulous in both my love, but I think for this occasion the right one is more appropriate.” “I can’t wait to see you in the other one though, perhaps you could wear it when we go for dinner next week.”
“Another way to comment would be as she is trying on each dress;
How does this dress make you feel?What about wearing it, do you love it?”
“These are both open-ended interesting questions and will get to the bottom of what emotion she is feeling as she wears each dress. Women dress first for themselves and only then for others. The way a certain piece of clothing, or wearing our hair or make-up a certain way, is for the way it has us feel!
Over 2,450 people have commented on the post that has since had an update stating the couple has split up.
The top comment said: “‘I’m actually gonna go not the a****** here. I am a 32F and I always ask my bf if he thinks my outfits are fine when going out with his work people and he does the same when going out with my work people. We both want to look nice and represent ourselves and each other in a positive light. It’s a sign of respect for each other in my opinion. I’d never go to a work function of his dressed in something he felt was inappropriate. I might get hate here but idc (I don’t care). If you’re constantly controlling her and telling her what to wear then yeah, you’re the a******, but if this was a one-time work function where you did have a preference then I don’t think it’s wrong to let your preference be known.”
Another wrote: “OP: Not the a******. That said the fact that she gave you two choices then punished you for picking the “wrong” one would be a major red flag that she likes to do random s*** tests on you and that’s not a healthy sign.”
Newsweek tried to contact the poster but was not able to verify the details of the case.
